The past three weeks have been a whirlwind. I had only gotten off the airplane after 34 hours of travel  and was already on the way to my friend´s birthday party. And after spending three days so incredibly tired, that I am not really sure if I had actually turned into a zombie, I had to get started on preparing for an assessment center for my dream job. Between watching as many news as I possibly could, learning the names of football trainers and prime ministers and zig-zagging between my mum´s place in Bremen, my dad´s place in Oldenburg, my boyfriend´s place in Göttingen, a stop-over in Cologne to surprise my friends and work and last but not least my assessment center in Hanover and job interview in Hamburg I feel like I have had about 3 minutes to readjust to being home.

Coming home from long trips is always challenging. On the one hand, because when you are actually travelling instead of a vacation you are usually quite worn out to begin with. After my five weeks across South America I was mostly exhausted and even though our trip along Australia´s east coast was much more relaxing, we still wanted to see as much as we possibly could in the four weeks we had. While the three tours we did to the Whitsundays, Fraser Island and the Great Barrier Reef were absolutely beautiful, these days were also packed with activities and driving 2355 kilometers in 14 days was fun, but also tiring. On top of the simple exhaustion and jetlag that comes from travelling like this, the much more draining issue are all of the emotions that arise once you are coming home.

In general leaving your nest (in whichever way) and starting completely new is intensely exciting. It gives you a new perspective on privilege, work ethics, your culture, a new culture and most importantly: yourself. In a completely new environment you are free to experiment, you can be the version of you you wanted to be - or find out about character traits you never thought you had. I have felt incredibly unhappy with myself throughout my entire high school experience (holla puberty how you doin´) and like I never really fit in. The three months I spent in South America after high school made me feel like I finally found people who liked me for who I really was and who shared my interests and I also felt attractive to the opposite sex for the first time in my life. In short I felt really happy with myself and actually confident for the first time ever.
While this was all fun and great, coming back home to people I had known for years and an environment, which had not changed much, was incredibly hard. I think we all assume roles in our relationships and especially in friendships and families over time and those are incredibly hard to shake. This can be amazing, because your good friends and family really know your development, but it can also be really hard, when you feel like you no longer fit the image and idea others have of you.

While I have not completely rediscovered myself in Australia (I am afterall 26 and not fresh out of high school) I have felt much more positive, spend an intense amount of time very close to nature, moved my body lots and discovered new places, people and cities. I absolutely LOVED living in Melbourne and could see myself living there for a couple of years. The life-work balance, the gorgeous nature, the great food and the relaxed approach to life in general were so good for me and my inner happiness.
While I missed my family and friends, I was not as heartbreakingly homesick as I have been on other trips. So coming home this time around, I did not feel the intense longing for home I usually have after a month or two abroad. I could have easily stayed a little longer in Australia were it not for the job interview I have lined up.

Which brings me to my final point: my life back home is heavily coloured by the insecurity of where I will spend the next chapter of my life. I have applied for a job and hope every single day it will work out and I get to move to my dream city Hamburg, but the job market for journalists is intensely competitive and I can never be really sure if I will make it or not. But I need to wait for feedback for this position before I can figure out where I will move, if I will sublet a flat in Cologne or move there more permanently. If I will be employed full-time or continue as a freelance journalist. And until this decision is made I am living out of a luggage the size of a little cow, carrying around my most important belongings, while losing and leaving spatters in every stop along the way. I have nor routine at the moment and lots of time to worry. Wondering why I should not, could not, may not get that job and putting intense pressure on myself.

Realistically it would have been easier to not chase this goal and fully use my time in Australia, but working as a journalist has been my life-long dream and the shot at fulfilling it is so so exciting. However, not making it could be absolutely crushing. I have put so much focus and hope into this job and I am intensely anxious I may not get it. I have no real space for myself at the moment, I am continuously moving and while I am always around people I love, I miss my own home and time to unwind. I have had no time to fully let my experiences in Australia sink in, I have had no time to go through all the pictures, to spend a day just laying around, to fully arrive back home. I have always been quite independent, I do not majorly care for monetary posessions, but I do find living out of a luggage for a good month more tiring than I thought I would. Even in hostels or in our van I had my own area, my own space, could somehow decide how my day would go, but as a constant visitor you are dependent on who you live with, you adjust to your hostee´s rhythm, you do not want to be any more of a burden than you already are.

So in short: I am really tired at the moment. My mental health is far from its best. I am so so anxious about getting this job and I don´t feel like I have shown my best self and I cannot stop beating myelf up for that. And I also really have no idea where my godamn lucky pair of knickers is at the moment. So I am a mess. My life is a mess. And that is fine and normal and okay. But it is kind fof difficult while it is happening.