The past two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind. It has been such an intensely long time of waiting for a new chapter in my life to start and then it was here and the time since first of August feels both like an eternity and about five seconds. I am in what I think is quite an unusual situation, starting yet another round of education after finishing five years at university and with two degrees up my sleeve. I am learning to be a journalist after having worked in journalism for a good chunk of my life, which is another curiosity. And to top it all of at the ripe age of 26 I am finally fulfilling my childhood dreams of going to boarding school and share a house with 17 others doing the same vocational training.


It has been an incredibly fun time getting to know everyone, always being just a knock on one door away from hanging out with somebody, to spend eight hours a day together and then head out for a run or to get ice-cream or to go food shopping. For me being quite the introvert having almost every aspect of my life turned into a group activity was beyond daunting, but after only a full week together it seems weird to not see my colleagues almost 24/7. There has been almost zero time to myself and/or time to stop and I feel like I am filled to the absolute brim with impressions, talks, inspiration and the talk we had about security in the work place. I have not really processed anything, that has happened in the past week, but I am incredibly happy to do what I love, to be in such a new and creative situation and to be happy with the people I am surrounded with. The days are just flying by at the moment and there is so much happening in one day, that I struggle to fully take it all in. I am getting so much information and input about the next few weeks, I am learning 17 autobiographies, I am meeting new people every day... It is a little overwhelming, but also so rewarding to be so busy, to actually have a goal every day and to have a full schedule from morning to night. I may get tired of it in a bit, but currently it feels good to be challenged so much, to be put in new situations and opportunities to learn and grow every day. I notice now how much I missed this and to be able to do it in a field I am actually passionate about, to make constant steps towards becoming a better journalist and towards a more fulfilling career is incredibly exciting. I am knackered right now, but also thrilled to see what is coming over the next few weeks. Every new day at the moment is so different, exciting and interesting and that is just an amazing feeling.



Read: I finished "Everything is illuminated", which I found relatively hard to read and follow and was not as smitten with as I imagined. I am now reading "An American Marriage" and am enjoying it much more.

Wondered: If I am actually starting my dream job or if it is still a dream, but pinching has not woken me up yet so I guess we´re good

Got over: My intense FOMO and also at least a little over my desire to be liked by everyone all the time

Enjoyed: Being surrounded by so many people I don´t know yet with very interesting background stories. To be able to actually be around people I may not normally be around and to see how it affects me and them.

Realised: I need less time by myself than I thought I would.

Porto was an absolute paradise for foodies and luckily I went with a friend, who loved good food as much as I did and our main question during our five days was where to have our next meal so we could fit all of the restaurant recommendations in. We were lucky, that a friend of Minh Thu´s has lived in Porto for the past three months and has been coming to the city on vacation for 12 years so we had some insider info. Additionally to what is listed here you a must try in Porto is the famous Francesinha a monstrous sandwich concoction of bread, ham, sausage, roast meat covered in cheese and gravy. And since that is obviously too light a meal it is usually paired with french fries. I only tried the light version of this with only cheese and ham and felt like I needed an hour long nap afterwards. For some alternatives to this belt buster, check out these places:

Whenever someone has asked me: "How are you? What´s up with you?" over the past week my answer has been consistently the same: "Nothing." and it was glorious. I don´t think I have been this relaxed since October and so content to have absolutely nothing on my agenda, no plans, no to dos. And compared to just a few months ago I am now able to fully enjoy it, I am capable of shutting up that little voice inside of my head, that tells me that I am not doing anything, that I am lazy.
It obviously still came up, but for maybe the first time in my life I was able to say: "I literally don´t have to do anything", turned around in bed and continued to sleep. To be fair I have not done much, but sleep and watch Netflix for a majority of the past two weeks. I have slept at least nine if not ten hours a day, I finished Ru Paul´s Dragrace Allstars, Yummy Mummies and Stranger Things and just enjoyed life. While I love setting goals for myself and love pushing myself to be the best version of myself I consciously decided to not set any goals for July. It is my last month before I start working full-time and I wanted to completely relax, outside of any expectations (especially my own) or track records. Instead I fully allowed myself to do things I enjoy, eat food I love and be with people, who make me happy. And even without that pressure I still went to the gym and did Yoga and enjoyed it even more. Putting pressure on myself is one of my biggest struggles and to see, that I still take care of myself and how incredibly good it felt to just let go for a few days was wonderful.
I spent a week at my mum´s and one at my boyfriend´s, I went to Amsterdam to see my former roomie and am just now en route to Berlin to meet up with some friends before flying to Porto for a week of bliss on Sunday. But for the first time in a long time I can let go of the stress of being on the road so much and just enjoy the moment. I feel like I have found some sort of peace just within myself, that travels with me. To say that is one of the greatest successes I have had so far this year is an understatement, it may be one of my greatest achievements in my life in general. I am so excited to start my new job, to meet new people, learn new things and to be able to do so fully relaxed and eager. I hope you all are able to enjoy your summer in the same way, to live each day fully and even if you have stress to find those moments of full relaxation within you.


Bought: An intense amount of accessories in Amsterdam and still beyond in love with them.

Finished: Homo Deus, which sadly was not as good as I hope it would be

Cried: Over the finale of Stranger Things. And while I loved this season and adore all the actors I am not really sure if I am happy, they decided to do another season

Travelled: To Amsterdam for a weekend to eat great food, drink too much wine, dance to Indie music with a room of 19 year olds and catch up with an old friend

Packed: For two weeks on the road.

Wondered: If there is an amount of sleep that will actually be enough and not make me want to take yet another nap in the afternoon.

We are a little more than halfway through this year and with vacation season coming up and most of us having a little more time for good books while we are at the beach, in flight or just on our own balcony I thought I would round-up my favourite reads so far. My goal is to read one book per week and while I am a little behind on that at the moment, I have been really enjoying so many of the books I read so far and hope to catch up a little on my reading game once I head to Portugal next week. Especially on vacation I am usually always nose-deep in a book. I used to fill almost my entire luggage with books as a child and would spend every free second reading, going through ten books in a two-week vacation easily. So maybe if you are like me and you are currently wondering which books you should pack, so here are the books I enjoyed reading the most this year. You can always check my Goodreads account for other recommendations and keep up with my reading challenge or start your own.

Summer is a funny time of the year. It is supposed to be completely light-hearted, made up of long days by the lake or pool or the sea followed by barbecues with friends, lots of drinks outside and dancing the night away until dawn. However for many of us, summer comes with its unique set of pressures and anxieties. The idea of a bikini or summer body can be found absolutely everywhere these days, there´s bikini body diets, workouts and detoxes all over glossy magazines, social media and TV channels. There is a clear and precise idea of which bodies should be allowed to be seen and shown in summer and which ones are shameful and deserve only to be hidden away. When we think of bikini bodies many of us share a very similar idea: that of a skinny, toned body fitting into a size small at most.


I personally have wasted an intense amount of summers and hot days hidden away inside, instead of in a bikini, precisely, because I felt I did not fit into these clear standards and measurements. During my teenage years, when my body changed from very flat-chested and skinny 14-year old to relatively curvy 16-year old I was called fat on the daily. There was a group of guys in my class, who made fun of the way I looked and they made sure I felt ugly and unworthy every day. Being fat became the worst thing I could possibly be. It became the reason I was bullied in school and why going to school was hell to me every day. So I learned that being fat was something that deserved to be shamed and laughed at and used against me, because it was inherently bad to be fat. And I deeply felt like it was ultimately my fault that I was fat, that I was simply too greedy, too lazy, too undisciplined to be skinny and that because I was not able to loose weight, that I deserved to be made fun of by others. This ideas was not only ingrained into my by the idiot boys in my class, but by the magazines I read and the shows I watched, in which diets were advertised and the popular kids were always skinny, long-legged white girls. I am no longer in high school and I no longer get called names for how my body looks, but deep down inside of me, many of these ideas persist and have a weird power over how I think and behave.

I am aware that this comes from someone, who fits into a size medium, who works out and eats healthy and has visible abs. I fulfill many of the ideals sold to us and I am aware of my skinny privilege, of how ridiculous it may sound to many that I used to feel so insecure and hateful about my body.  But the idea that our bodies are somehow wrong or false the way they are and that they are in constant and dire need of improvement, the idea that there is something inherently wrong with anybody, who is not a size 36 or who has no extra fat on their body is still promoted all across Instagram and magazines on the daily and ingrained into almost every little girl and boy out there. I can´t count how many fad diets I tried, how many times 16 year old me cried because of the way I looked or how many times I decided not to wear shorts or a dress or a bikini. Our society (despite the very honourable efforts of many) still values skinny bodies more than fat ones. And the idea, that if we are not skinny or don´t have a giant ass, tiny waist and huge tits it is our fault for lacking discipline, for not being mindful enough, for being too lazy is sold to us in a million if not billion dollar industry. That is just our lack of discipline or willingness to have the right body type. That if we just tried a little harder, worked out more and ate less we can easily achieve the ideal. It is simply our own fault, that we are too fat.

This narrative is made even worse by fitness influencers and diet gurus selling easy fixes. While we may have learned to distrust huge companies (and many of us still don´t manage to do that and still happily purchase Skinny Teas and juice cleanses), we trust the influencers we follow. We feel like they are more honest, more real and that if we just do as they do we can achieve the same results. It is almost the same as fake before and after photos, just worse because these are actual people, which we like to believe in so much more. We trust them, we follow their daily lives. And yet an intense amount of these people restrict food, work out excessively and possibly even suffer from eating disorders. Yet worse: they make money of catering to your insecurities.

With the entire society, with social media stars and huge companies selling us the idea, that we are not good enough, that we are only worthy if we look a certain way, that we need to hide away and body that does not fulfill an intense set of ideals what can we do? We can try to realise that these ideas are lies, that have been fed to us from the youngest possible age. That these lies are fed to us constantly to make us feel less than, to make us feel ashamed, to make us feel worthless so that we are willing to buy products to stop us from feeling this way, so that we are constantly occupied with something as trivial as our weight, our looks, to make money from our insecurities and self hatred. And once you can begin to understand this, you can slowly and carefully begin to work on loving yourself. Just as you are. To allow yourself to be okay with who and what you are. A little more every day.


It would be a massive lie to tell you I am happy with how my body looks. I am not. I am not sure I will ever be. Despite my best efforts, despite logically being aware that the body that was sold to me as ideal and the only one worth loving, is unattainable, I still feel like it is my personal fault, that is is because of my lack of persistence and discipline, that I do not look like the girls on cover pages or on Instagram. I would be lying to you if I would not tell you that I feel horrible when I see the number on the scale go up. I have worked out more this year than ever before. I am coming increasingly closer to be able to open a bag of chips and close it again. I am more aware of my unhealthy eating patterns, of how I am using food to cope with emotions. I am more happy to wear a bikini and tight clothes today than ever before. I am working against the idea that I am not enough, that I am less than because I do not fit into a size zero every single day. But it´s still hard for me. I still feel like I may never truly be happy if I am not skinny, whatever that means.

I may not love my body every single day. But I am not willing to leave the fucktards, who bullied me in high school or the dumb bitches on Instagram or a million dollar company selling tea, that makes you shit yourself dictate how I live my life. I am no longer willing to starve myself and over exercise for six months so that the three weeks, the weather is actually nice in Germany I can look acceptable. I am no longer willing to binge in secret while eating salad in public, to miss out on birthday dinners or cakes at the office or a chocolate bar while I am on the go just to fit a standard, that is simply bullshit.

I eat relatively healthy, but I try to do it because I feel better when I eat more nutrient dense food than chips and candy. But I also work on no longer demonising foods. On no longer looking at food as black and white, but simply as something that I enjoy and that helps me live my daily life. I try to exercise, because I largely feel better, because I feel stronger and I don´t longer have back pain, because Yoga grounds me and running is fun. And I have given up on weighing myself. Because last week I felt absolutely worthless when the number had gone up, despite people telling me I look thinner and my clothes fitting better and changed measurements I am so attached to the number on the scale for my worth, that I can´t look at it logically. I am pretty sure it will be a life-long battle and an uphill one as well, because we live in a society, that constantly tells us how we should look and how wrong it is to look completely different from that ideal.

I can´t tell you how to truly love your body, because I am not there yet. But I can tell you that it is bullshit to waste summer or days by the lake or getting a tan or enjoying the sun, because of how you look and how others made you feel about your body. Our bodies love us so fucking much. They carry us everyday, they fight against infections, heal our bruises, shed old cells and keep us breathing happy and alive. Why can´t we value them for that? Why can´t we stop beating them up for doing what makes most sense biologically, for storing a little extra fat to make it through winters and especially for women to produce babies, to make it through times when we are sick and through periods. And I feel like we should value them for this and be kind to them for the few months a year where it is warmer. I hope you rock a bikini this summer baby no matter how you look. I hope you eat loads of icecream and barbecue food and you go back for seconds, because it is damn good. I hope you have a happy, light, brilliant summer at whatever size you are. And I do truly hope you get to do that for the rest of your life. Because it truly is too short to skip out on dessert or going skinny dipping, because of some godamn dumb ideal.

I am terrible at goodbyes. Which is quite ironic, because for the last seven years of my life I have been saying goodbye constantly. To places I lived, to friends I made, to my family, to new countries.  I have been saying goodbye (and luckily hello again) to my boyfriend almost every weekend for the past four years. I am ever-moving despite the fact that I get choked up at every goodbye. I have cried after goodbyes in airplanes and trains and cars. I had a lot of practise and have still not gotten  any better at it.
Today´s goodbye is a big one. I am saying goodbye to my first big girl office job, to the first job that allowed me to finance my life with something I absolutely love, my first chance to work as a journalist. I am also saying goodbye to Cologne, a city that has welcomed me so incredibly warmly and that has been nothing but lovely over the past year and a half. And I am saying goodbye to the most amazing team of colleagues: diverse, fun, caring. Working for this radio station has been an absolute dream of mine, the internship alone was a wonderful opportunity and to be able to work here and deal with exactly the topics I am passionate about with a great team of people was almost too good to be true.
I had never guessed I would like Cologne as much. I had never imagined I would live and work here for a while in radio nontheless. And I have been quite melancholic this week to leave here. I am thrilled for my new job, it truly is the opportunity of my dreams and I am thrilled to be so much closer to home again and yet I am sad to leave. I will miss biking to work through the park. I will miss my walks in the city forest. I will miss lunch breaks with my colleagues in town. The little pastry the French café across the street gives you with your coffee. The view of the cathedral. How warm and open everyone here is.
My job at COSMO (not Cosmopolitan) has allowed me to come to work everyday and feel fulfilled. To be completely content with what I do for the first time in my life. I am so lucky to work in a field I enjoy, to have found that so early in my life and to actually make living from it and I am grateful for it everyday. And the first place I got to do that will forever be special to me. So maybe that is why I am so terrible at goodbyes: because actually I never say goodbye, just see you soon.


Packed: three months of clothes in one (in numbers 1) luggage

Read: Finished book two of the Neapolitan Saga and moved on to Homo Deus

Worked out: with a resistance band and wanted to let you know, that I am now accepting donations for the funeral of my butt

Signed: THE CONTRACT FOR MY FREAKING DREAM JOB

Talked: About journalism for the first time on my Instagram and really enjoyed it - and so did you

Ate: Almost exclusively cherries and strawberries.

I base a lot of my self-worth on having a career, on achieving goals and on being active and it is really, really hard for me to not feel useless and lazy when I have a day off or just relax. I have been working in some form or another since I was 13, be it tutoring or later on waitressing, working in a factory or as a student assistant in university. And from a very early age I also struggled with finding balance with work. I am a very ambitious person and if I am doing something I want to do it well, which in many industries or part-time jobs means taking on as many shifts as you possibly can. I worked two nights a week until 1 am plus weekends when I was 18. I was never able to say no until I noticed my grades slipping and had to step back a litle. I have been working two jobs for long periods of my life, in one summer working nights shifts at a conveyor belt from Sunday to Friday to then work at a restaurant on the weekends, working over two weeks straight without a break. I did a full-time internship and simply because so many internships are completely unpaid I had to work an extra job on top of that. I work pretty efficiently and I am quite resistant to stress - which for me meant to push myself to absolute exhaustion, because I "could". Obviously the fact, that I work faster does not mean that I don´t need rest. The fact that I did not break down working around 60 hours a week for months at a time (while in university) does NOT mean it is healthy. I personally have seen what stress can do to people, how sick it can make you and the extreme reaction of our bodies to long-term stress. Just because you personally feel like you can go at twice your capacity does not mean you are not ultimately really hurting yourself.

It has become so romanticised to "hustle", to always be busy, to always be grinding. Not only does everyones seem to have five projects on top of a full-time job, we see hobbies and enjoyments as checklists as well. Even in our free-time we tend to feel pressure to perform. We are meant to work all day, then head to a gym and shred our bodies to perfection while throwing in a Yoga class for mindfulness and flexibility on the weekends. We have to eat perfect meals, healthy, balanced, home-cooked in spotless apartments, we even feel the need to perform while we are on vacation and send the best holiday pictures back to our friends and especially frenemies back home. I personally track my workouts, how often I meditate, how often I do Yoga, hell I even count how many books I read. And sometimes I feel like despite doing all of these things I am never ever doing enough, like I am just the sum of numbers: calories consumed and burned, impressive books read, steps I took a day... I am so obsessed with being productive that I don´t even allow myself actual time off except for when I am on vacation - and even then I sometimes feel pressured to see all the sights possible. We are all so intensely rushed, so busy all the time that we completely lose sight of being okay with not being productive. With being worthy of love and respect outside of our productivity.


But true self love is not based on how well you are doing. It is about being okay with resting. About stopping your ego and drive to always perform and produce and to give yourself time to just breathe. I get that being busy can feel really good and rewarding. That a career you love will sometimes make it hard to not take work home. That if you are passionate about what you do, you want to put in extra hours.
But it is so crucial to sit back and reevaluate: Am I doing this because it makes me happy? Or because I feel worthless if I am not working or hustling or improving myself in some way shape or form? Can I tell when and if I need rest? And am I allowing myself to take it?

This can be especially hard if you are used to pleasing people and to fulfill expectations, if you always want to make everyone around you happy. But it is so crucial to see your own worth and your own needs and put them before anyone elses wishes and expectations. Being productive at all times is not only exhausting, it is also detrimental to your mental and physical health. Taking time off is not a weakness, it is not laziness, it is crucial and necessary. And if you still feel weird about this: SO DO I! It is an idea, that for many of us has been engrained in us from very early on, especially in capitalist societies. It is why for so many of us relaxation is so terrifying, the reaons why when we relax to do so in front of a laptop or a TV with junk food, instead of in nature or with friends, because even relaxation is defined in such strict terms.

I have been out of uni for almost a year now and I am still not working full-time. I struggle heavily with periods like right now, where I am off from work for two weeks and could just enjoy myself - but instead I feel like I am way too lazy and like I don´t deserve to do nothing for a while. It is a constant battle against that voice inside of my head that always says "You need to work to be worthy of love or fun or enjoyment, you need to be at least working out or writing or reading intelligent books". But I logically know that that is bullshit. That my worth is not based on working out four times a week or reading a book a week or making it to two Yoga classes or whatever I have in my mind: I am worthy no matter what. As is every single person. Productivity is a fucked up social construct and it can make you really sick if you do not step out of this idea. A part of me feels guilty for not going to the gym tonight after four hours in a car and in 27 degree heat and it is damn hard to tell that voice to be quiet and enjoy my Sunday. But the more often I am able to do so, to relax for an evening, to not force myself to the gym or to do Yoga, but to do it when I feel like it and when I am ready to do so, the easier it becomes. Discipline is great and important in many ways - but so is having grace for yourself and not pushing you over your personal limits to fulfill an idea that is not realistic.

We have not done of these in a minute, but these personal posts are your favourites. It´s still really funny to me, because compared to the travel posts which involve a lot of research and more preparation, on a good day I can write a personal post in minutes. But lately I have been not feeling majorly inspired. With writer´s block it can be easier to write a more structured and factual post about travelling instead of spilling the tea on your personal thoughts and feelings. I also feel like the topics I think most about at the moment do not really change: big life changes, transitioning and being all over the place and I am not sure how many posts one can read (or write) about this without getting repetitive. But writing about writer´s block and insecurity is such a chliché in itself that I feel like we should just get into it.



It´s finally summer. I know that´s a lot coming from someone, who completely skipped the cold season from October to March this year, but I am still quite excited. Especially since it is maybe the second summer in seven years, where I don´t have exams, essays, a thesis, an internship or a summer job to attend to. And yet I still feel guilty sometimes for just enjoying and relaxing. Despite me having two jobs for the better part of last year, despite finishing my degree, despite having a full-time job lined up for August and also working at the moment I don´t really feel like I deserve or handle having so much time off. And I know this is the definition of a first world problem: feeling guilty about having free time. But after two weeks at work I now have three weeks off in a row and I am really lucky with the weather cooperating with my schedule for the first time in ages. I had my boyfriend and one of my best friends from home visiting me in Cologne, which was absolutely lovely. I really, really enjoy living in this city and I know I will dearly miss it, even though it has never been on my radar until last February. I love the good cafés and great shops, how friendly people are and how this city feels in summer. I love going for runs in the city forest and being able to take strolls along the canal in my backyard. I love riding my bike through the city late at night and having drinks outside. If you think about visiting Germany and only aim for Munich and Berlin, I beg you to reconsider and pay Hamburg and Cologne a visit as well.



Since Sunday however I am back in Göttingen and also absolutely loving the summer here. It is always so funny to me how different a city and its people are in summer and in winter, especially in countries with actual seasons. The excitement in people, how happy everyone is, how much time you spend outside... I love it. And I have nothing on my agenda at the moment than to sunbathe and read good books and sit on rooftops with my friends, which feels just so great. July is all about getting my travels in before I start my job, but I feel like June is mainly focused on treating myself. Usually being so broke I could barely afford to shop during sales, I can now just buy stuff whenever I want, which feels absolutely lovely and with being paid on Monday I have placed three orders online and been shopping offline as well. I am eating good food, I am out with friends whenever I can and I am just loving being able to treat myself both in terms of having the financial ability for the first time in ages and having the time for it. I know how privileged I am at the moment and I am really soaking it all up, but especially if you are currently stressed and broke you deserve some treats. We tend to forget about caring about ourselves until we have time and money for it, but it should really be a part of our every day routine, whether it´s going for a walk, meeting a friend or practicing Yoga: Selfcare and Selflove does not need to cost a dime or take ages. Maybe that´s my little hope for June: That we all can treat ourselves as if we were on vacation a little more on the daily.


Read: Really, really tried to finish Uncle Tom´s Hut, but just could not bring myself to do it and gave up, xoxo inspiraional reading girl. I am now reading Qualityland and it´s much more fun. There´s a life lesson in here and it is: give up. Just give up.

Listened: My taste in music is debatable (non existent) and has been most prevelant this week in my constant switching between German rap and extremely girly pop. Favourites included the new T-Swift jam (thanks for ending homophobia), the entire Lizzo album (what a fucking gem) and Juju.

Watched: I have been craving comfort for a while now and have only been watching calming, fun favs such as One Day at a Time and Modern Family.

Bought: A dress, boots, a dungaree dress (feeling v 70s) and three new books - YAY capitalism.

Planned: All of my outfits for the festival I will head to in August - hence all of the new clothes.

Tanned: At the public pool and am now almost back to Straya levels of tan thanks to using self tanning lotion in between.