The title of this post may sound a little confusing. In general I think being logical is very important and necessary, but sometimes we can stand in our own way when we only try to focus on logic. Even worse: sometimes it can be really hurtful. Because especially when taking care of ourselves sometimes logic has no space. It may be logical to work overtime to get ahead quicker. It may be logical to force yourself to hang out with others. It may be logical to get rid of the apartment you are head over heels in love with, while you travel.


But especially when it comes to loving yourself and selfcare you sometimes have to make illogical decisions. It is indeed logical that I currently have no actual bed or even mattress in my room in Cologne, I am only here once in a blue moon. It is also logical not to bring decoration since I have very limited luggage space. It would be logical to stay in Cologne as much as possible to pick up lots of shifts and make more money. But do these decision make me feel better? No they don´t. They add to my restlessness and unease. Not having a real home makes me not only cranky, it actually makes me continuously feel out of touch with myself and stressed.
So I made the very illogical decision to spend almost two weeks at my boyfriend´s last week. I will go to see my mum in three days, because it is her birthday and even gave up a shift up for that. Hardly logical, but it is what makes me feel good. I am a little shaken at the moment, I don´t really feel at home in my room in Cologne (might be due to the lack of actual bed and decor but wadda ya know) and I miss my boyfriend a lot at the moment. So going there and spending time on his couch, instead of earning money, makes zero sense, but it makes me feel good. And sometimes that is what is most important. That you feel good. Not at the cost of others or the environment or what have you, but in general your number one priority should be that you feel good. That you are happy.
You will have a nagging voice inside of your head - and maybe even outside of your own head, because boy do people love to tell you your decisions are not logical - that will call you delusional and selfish and lazy for making illogical decisions sometimes. But sometimes it is crucial to be illogical. Only functioning and continuously going against your gut feeling can make you so sad and so much more stressed than you need. Why make your life even harder? What is in any way logical about being uncomfortable and depressed all the time?
At the end of the day logic is not a set category. It depends on your needs and wants and goals. And if your goal is to be happy and love yourself it can be crucial to go for the less logical path sometimes. It´s what makes life fun at the end of the day.

In our society pushing your limits is seen as something positive, aspirational even. We are supposed to continously overcome anything that is holding us back, to push ourselves harder, to go further. Accepting our personal and emotional limitations is something we are not really trained or endorsed to do. Obviously it can be beneficial or even lifechanging to overcome certain boundaries or beliefs we have about ourselves. Especially overcoming societal rules can be liberating and incredibly freeing. However I personally think establishing healthy boundaries is ABSOLUTELY essential to feel happy and content.



For me personally setting boundaries and especially sticking to them was incredibly hard. Whether in relationships or regarding my energy levels I never really managed to find healthy boundaries, which lead to me being absolutely exhausted and very unhappy in many regards. It can be very daunting and  counter intuitive to limit your time spent with others, your energy spend on helping and healing other people or to cut ties with people completely. But I do think it is absolutely crucial when you notice that you constantly feel tired, worn out or unhappy.

1. Examine how much time you need for yourself - or how much time you need to spend with others

I personally am an introvert. I am loud, I am super social, I hang out with people all the time but I do not really unwind or relax in large groups of people. I enjoy hanging out with people immensely, but I need alone time to feel good, relaxed and grounded. Especially when you are around people, who do not thrive on alone-time, who thrive on being with others it can be quite hard to articulate that you need to have this time for yourself. This goes especially if you are on the younger side. It has become quite trendy to be in constant hibernation and stay in, but I am also in my mid twenties now and I remember how many people in high school thought I did not like them if I wanted to stay in. I have become better and better at articulating that I love you and enjoy spending time with you, but I just need this time for myself. I have also gotten better at choosing people, who can accept this. On the other hand I used to be somebody, who cancelled plans last minute and lied about why I cancelled to get out of discussion, which lead to people misunderstanding me and I have made a conscious effort to not cancel plans unless I absolutely need to. I also got better at understanding how much time I can spend hanging out with others and took a lot of pressure off myself, which actually lead to me enjoying hang out and time with others so much more.

2. Understand how much you can generally handle in a day

Germans live for their work. It is genuinely scary the intense chunk of your life works takes up, how much your value is based on work and how much unpaid overtime Germans are happy to put in. I used to heavily base my worth on how much I was working, how many hours I spent at work and was available to my bosses all the time. I am a person, with an incredibly desire to be liked. I want to be liked even by people I personally dislike. So it is very easy for me to continuously fulfill what other people want me to do without listening to my own needs. This goes especially for work-related requests. In journalism you need to deliver. There are hundreds of people, who would be happy to do your job, being paid for internships is highly unlikely and you are expected to go above and beyond while not making any money. I know that many industries work this way and that sadly you kind of have to deliver especially when you are still trying to prove yourself in the job field. However during my internship (and other internships before this one) I was often the first and the last person in the office. I stayed overtime, I worked weekends and I took on any job that was offered to me, while still working on the side to make it possible for me to work full-time with zero income. It was worth it now that I have my job, but it sucked. It would be very easy for me to continue this behaviour and I am sure I will put in a good chunk of overtime once my traineeship starts in August, but I am no longer working unpaid extra hours. My current workplace is also very accepting and encouraging about that, but I also have found for myself that I am happy with a smaller salary or less of a career if it means I get free time in return. I want to be good at my job, but I also do not want to spend my entire life in an office. I want to see friends, I want to go to the gym, I want to have dinners during the week. If you are happy to make that dollar while giving up quality of life and me time go for it, but if you just do it because others expect it of you or because you hope your boss will like you more than you need to reconsider. Sadly your job will probably find someone else to do your job within a day or two if you were to drop dead. So act in accordance.



3. Understand that you are not responsible for others peoples happiness

Maybe this again goes back to our inherent desire to be liked. Taking care of others is noble, it is a wonderful way to show affection and it is what all our friendships and relationships are built upon: We take care of each other. But and this is so important: you need to take care of yourself. Helping or caring for others should not be an automatic thing you do. It is something you choose to do, something you enjoy doing, not something you do because you feel like you have to, like people only love you if you break your back to take care of them. Love never needs to be earned. It should be given freely. You should not be expected to be the only one that gives time, effort and love in a relationship. You are obviously free to help others. But it is also fine to say you do not have the energy for this at the moment. To say you will not manage, that you have enough on your plate. Helping others can be selfless at times IF you have the energy, the resources or the time. You can always do what you can, but you do not have to. It is okay to say "I can only call you today". It is okay to say "I am really sorry I am extremely busy, I can currently be there for you to talk, but I cannot help you with anything else". It is such an old saying, but you need to put your oxygen mask on first before you help others. And you need to have friends, who are not only friends with you to take your energy without giving something in return. Actual, true friends will accept you and love you and encourage you to take care of you.

In short: you should get to know yourself, be aware of what is good or bad for you and how much and what you can and cannot handle. This is usually trial and error and takes quite some time, but is really really important. Additionally to this: be honest. Let people know the actual reason you don´t come to certain events or need more time or cannot handle this much work. Don´t make excuses or lie and people should really understand you and if they do not, you may want to reconsider if they are the right people to be around for you long-term. This is not to say that people need to understand every step you take and you may make mistakes, but your friends should be genuinely interested in you being happy and accept that you may have to draw certain boundaries for that.

I am not a skinny girl. My thighs touch, I have a little belly, I can´t find bras in high street stores and yes I do have bingo wings. A lot of these things have made me incredibly unhappy over the past years even though they are absolutely irrelevant to who I am as a person.

When I was 15 and my parents broke up I started binge eating, maybe taking in the calories my mom did not eat during that time. She lost 20 kilos after the break up, I thanks to eating large amounts of calories in secret gained about 10. I felt horrible about myself, I hated the way I looked. And then I started taking the pill and my body changed even more. All of a sudden there were hips and my boobs grew about 3 cup sizes. I was in a relationship at the time in which I had never felt like I was good enough and not even being skinny anymore made that feeling even worse.
When I was 16 I went to America on student exchange. I had a horrible experience, was more than homesick and stayed with an incredible controlling and unloving family. I had no access to healthy food and being so unhappy about my situation I started to eat emotionally again. When I came back from the states I had gained a whopping 13 kilos. I had never looked like this, I felt horrible and ashamed. I also had to sell my horse in that year and went from riding five to six days a week to basically no work outs. In that winter I only ate 3 pieces of fruit a day for a week to fit into a dress. I cried in fitting rooms. In the summer I did not want to go to any place where I was expected to wear a bikini.
When I was 17 I fasted for 10 days to feel acceptable again. I never could really stick to a consistent diet, I never managed to loose weight even though I worked out a lot. I was pretty good with juice fasting and I felt majorly accomplished every time I have lost a few kilo and deeply disappointed when I gained weight. I tried to make myself through up at times after binging.
When I was 18 I fell in love with someone, who really was not interested in me. I started working longer hours in the restaurant I worked at and school got tougher as well. I was so stressed out from all of this and I started piling on pounds again. I spent another summer inside.
I have not felt good in a bikini since I was 15. I have counted calories and fasted, I have worked out for hours and skipped dinners. I have thought I was only worth something when I lost weight, the number on the scale was what defined my worth. And I have eaten a bag of chips, a bar of chocolate, gummy bears and pizza in one sitting.
And you know what the funny or horrible part is? Even when I was 14 and tiny I was not happy with my body. People made fun of how flat chested I was and I stuffed my bra hoping for curves.
The moral of this rant is that no matter how I looked over the past years the problem was that I hated my body. I never was proud of what this body was doing for me. Carrying me through severe heartache and huge turning points in my life. Running over 500 km with me over the last three years. Adjusting as well as it could to all the time zone changes I put it through. Fighting off all kinds of bacteria for me and doing it´s best to keep me alive. My body and also your body; our bodies love us so much. They do so incredibly much for us and we never thank them for that.
I don´t know a single girl in my friend group that is not unhappy with how she looks. I think this is one of the absolute saddest sentences I have ever said, but it is true. All of my friends are either currently dieting, cheating on their diet or thinking about starting a new one.  I have heard similar stories of self hate and disordered eating behaviour from so many girls. These things are now a normal thing teenage girls go through, how fucked up is that?! Even the most gorgeous girls, the girls I really would love to look like, the ones with the washboard abs and the beautiful long legs are not happy with how they look. If we have something in common it is that in some way or another we hate our bodies.
I am quite a logic person. I am confident and I do think I am an attractive girl. I like my face, my eyes and my hair. Obviously I know that my weight is not what defines me, but it is something that is always in the back of my head. But this year I want to work on loving myself better and I am sure that includes accepting my body and being kind to it.
I don´t want to deprive it of carbs anymore, it makes me feel tired and dizzy. I don´t want to skip dinners anymore to fulfill an ideal of beauty that I will never reach no matter how much weight I will loose: I will never be petite, I have curves and god damn it that´s a great thing. I don´t want to feel horrible about eating a brownie and I also don´t want to binge eat in secret anymore. I want to work out, because I like how it makes me feel, not to burn off calories. I want to treat my body right, by eating good, wholesome, healthy foods and I want to still be able to enjoy life without feeling bad about it. This summer I want to feel great soaking up sun instead of worrying about my little belly pouch, which is cute as hell anyways. I want to do this, because I love my body, not because I hate it and I hope that as many of you as possible will do the same thing. In the next months I will start a series on this blog around loving your body better, posting recipes for healthy foods (because at the end of the day that what is better for you body), updates on how it is going with loving my body and anything to do with this. I would also love to hear your stories about loving yourself better so feel free to mail me, to leave a comment or even tag your posts with #loveyourbodybetter. Let´s work on this project together. This is not about loosing weight or dieting, but treating your body well because you love it and yourself so this definitely includes treats because sometimes you just need them.
Today I make the decision to be kind to my body and to love it and I think making this decision is the crucial first step. Will you make the same decision for yourself?