I base a lot of my self-worth on having a career, on achieving goals and on being active and it is really, really hard for me to not feel useless and lazy when I have a day off or just relax. I have been working in some form or another since I was 13, be it tutoring or later on waitressing, working in a factory or as a student assistant in university. And from a very early age I also struggled with finding balance with work. I am a very ambitious person and if I am doing something I want to do it well, which in many industries or part-time jobs means taking on as many shifts as you possibly can. I worked two nights a week until 1 am plus weekends when I was 18. I was never able to say no until I noticed my grades slipping and had to step back a litle. I have been working two jobs for long periods of my life, in one summer working nights shifts at a conveyor belt from Sunday to Friday to then work at a restaurant on the weekends, working over two weeks straight without a break. I did a full-time internship and simply because so many internships are completely unpaid I had to work an extra job on top of that. I work pretty efficiently and I am quite resistant to stress - which for me meant to push myself to absolute exhaustion, because I "could". Obviously the fact, that I work faster does not mean that I don´t need rest. The fact that I did not break down working around 60 hours a week for months at a time (while in university) does NOT mean it is healthy. I personally have seen what stress can do to people, how sick it can make you and the extreme reaction of our bodies to long-term stress. Just because you personally feel like you can go at twice your capacity does not mean you are not ultimately really hurting yourself.

It has become so romanticised to "hustle", to always be busy, to always be grinding. Not only does everyones seem to have five projects on top of a full-time job, we see hobbies and enjoyments as checklists as well. Even in our free-time we tend to feel pressure to perform. We are meant to work all day, then head to a gym and shred our bodies to perfection while throwing in a Yoga class for mindfulness and flexibility on the weekends. We have to eat perfect meals, healthy, balanced, home-cooked in spotless apartments, we even feel the need to perform while we are on vacation and send the best holiday pictures back to our friends and especially frenemies back home. I personally track my workouts, how often I meditate, how often I do Yoga, hell I even count how many books I read. And sometimes I feel like despite doing all of these things I am never ever doing enough, like I am just the sum of numbers: calories consumed and burned, impressive books read, steps I took a day... I am so obsessed with being productive that I don´t even allow myself actual time off except for when I am on vacation - and even then I sometimes feel pressured to see all the sights possible. We are all so intensely rushed, so busy all the time that we completely lose sight of being okay with not being productive. With being worthy of love and respect outside of our productivity.


But true self love is not based on how well you are doing. It is about being okay with resting. About stopping your ego and drive to always perform and produce and to give yourself time to just breathe. I get that being busy can feel really good and rewarding. That a career you love will sometimes make it hard to not take work home. That if you are passionate about what you do, you want to put in extra hours.
But it is so crucial to sit back and reevaluate: Am I doing this because it makes me happy? Or because I feel worthless if I am not working or hustling or improving myself in some way shape or form? Can I tell when and if I need rest? And am I allowing myself to take it?

This can be especially hard if you are used to pleasing people and to fulfill expectations, if you always want to make everyone around you happy. But it is so crucial to see your own worth and your own needs and put them before anyone elses wishes and expectations. Being productive at all times is not only exhausting, it is also detrimental to your mental and physical health. Taking time off is not a weakness, it is not laziness, it is crucial and necessary. And if you still feel weird about this: SO DO I! It is an idea, that for many of us has been engrained in us from very early on, especially in capitalist societies. It is why for so many of us relaxation is so terrifying, the reaons why when we relax to do so in front of a laptop or a TV with junk food, instead of in nature or with friends, because even relaxation is defined in such strict terms.

I have been out of uni for almost a year now and I am still not working full-time. I struggle heavily with periods like right now, where I am off from work for two weeks and could just enjoy myself - but instead I feel like I am way too lazy and like I don´t deserve to do nothing for a while. It is a constant battle against that voice inside of my head that always says "You need to work to be worthy of love or fun or enjoyment, you need to be at least working out or writing or reading intelligent books". But I logically know that that is bullshit. That my worth is not based on working out four times a week or reading a book a week or making it to two Yoga classes or whatever I have in my mind: I am worthy no matter what. As is every single person. Productivity is a fucked up social construct and it can make you really sick if you do not step out of this idea. A part of me feels guilty for not going to the gym tonight after four hours in a car and in 27 degree heat and it is damn hard to tell that voice to be quiet and enjoy my Sunday. But the more often I am able to do so, to relax for an evening, to not force myself to the gym or to do Yoga, but to do it when I feel like it and when I am ready to do so, the easier it becomes. Discipline is great and important in many ways - but so is having grace for yourself and not pushing you over your personal limits to fulfill an idea that is not realistic.

The title of this post may sound a little confusing. In general I think being logical is very important and necessary, but sometimes we can stand in our own way when we only try to focus on logic. Even worse: sometimes it can be really hurtful. Because especially when taking care of ourselves sometimes logic has no space. It may be logical to work overtime to get ahead quicker. It may be logical to force yourself to hang out with others. It may be logical to get rid of the apartment you are head over heels in love with, while you travel.


But especially when it comes to loving yourself and selfcare you sometimes have to make illogical decisions. It is indeed logical that I currently have no actual bed or even mattress in my room in Cologne, I am only here once in a blue moon. It is also logical not to bring decoration since I have very limited luggage space. It would be logical to stay in Cologne as much as possible to pick up lots of shifts and make more money. But do these decision make me feel better? No they don´t. They add to my restlessness and unease. Not having a real home makes me not only cranky, it actually makes me continuously feel out of touch with myself and stressed.
So I made the very illogical decision to spend almost two weeks at my boyfriend´s last week. I will go to see my mum in three days, because it is her birthday and even gave up a shift up for that. Hardly logical, but it is what makes me feel good. I am a little shaken at the moment, I don´t really feel at home in my room in Cologne (might be due to the lack of actual bed and decor but wadda ya know) and I miss my boyfriend a lot at the moment. So going there and spending time on his couch, instead of earning money, makes zero sense, but it makes me feel good. And sometimes that is what is most important. That you feel good. Not at the cost of others or the environment or what have you, but in general your number one priority should be that you feel good. That you are happy.
You will have a nagging voice inside of your head - and maybe even outside of your own head, because boy do people love to tell you your decisions are not logical - that will call you delusional and selfish and lazy for making illogical decisions sometimes. But sometimes it is crucial to be illogical. Only functioning and continuously going against your gut feeling can make you so sad and so much more stressed than you need. Why make your life even harder? What is in any way logical about being uncomfortable and depressed all the time?
At the end of the day logic is not a set category. It depends on your needs and wants and goals. And if your goal is to be happy and love yourself it can be crucial to go for the less logical path sometimes. It´s what makes life fun at the end of the day.

Comparing yourself to others has become a daily activity for most of us. Social media is a huge part of this of course, but it is also inherently human to see other humans and compare your own behaviour to them. It is afterall how societies function, how we learn and how we manage to all live together. However at a certain point comparing yourself to others can become intensely toxic. While this is in large part due to the "perfect" image so many of us present online and also let´s be honsest in real life, the main issue is as so often not the others. It is inside of us, that little voice that does not recognize your accomplishments and amazing traits, but belittles you.



Obviously it is not healthy how so many people portray a perfect life on social media, that is in no way attainable (looking at you influencers in private jet and residing in five star hotels at all times) and it can be shocking to be bombarded by pictures of skinny bodies, flawless legs, perfectly styled outfits, shiny hair and intense make up. And I am all for unfollowing people, who make you feel bad about yourself, but I do think the underlying issue is not only the mishaped picture we have so many others, but also of ourselves.

Belittling yourself is not an invention of the 21st century. I remember idolising people in my school, thinking they were perfect, funny, beautiful and great in every way while I saw myself as ugly, awkward and weird. I did not need their Instagram profile to think this, I made them better than they were, made them bigger, more impressive and more interesting in my head. I think we still do this to this day. It is much easier to celebrate other people´s wins and accomplishments than ourselves. It is much more accepted to beat yourself up, hate yourself or speak badly about yourself than to celebrate you. It is just how our society works.

Ultimately the goal is to seperate your self worth from comparing yourself to others, from making loving yourself based on accomplishments or to do lists or jobs or the number on the scale. Ultimately you do not need to perform, be better or more important than other people. Obviously this ultimate goal is not easy to accomplish, because we have been fed a very different approach to self worth for so many years. Unlearning this takes a conscious effort and is probably still the most difficult thing to accomplish.

Here are some practical tips:

1) Unfollow or mute people, who make you feel small, not important or less than. This applies to social media, but also very much to real life. Sorround yourself with people who make you feel good.

2) Understand that not everything people present of themselves is real. If necessary analyse your own behaviour on social media. Even influencers share about ten to fifteen minutes of their day. That is less than one per cent. You have no idea what else is going on in another person´s life plus there is very much more to life than perfectly styled smoothies and clean appartments.

3) Celebrate your successes. If you are not at that point where you can love yourself without proving you are worth it: make a list. Or let your friends make a list. It is so funny how differently other people view us, how much more they are impressed with our life and actions.

4) Give up on being perfect. Perfect is a fucked up idea, that has been implented in our heads for so long and is absolutely impossible. Instead aim to be happy, to be kind, to be funny, to be loving. And let go of societal ideas of being a good person like jobs, money or posessions.

5) Look at things you are thankful for instead of what you are lacking. If you wake up every day under a roof, with enough food in your frige and with people who love you you are so rich. You are so blessed. You have things millions of people envy you for. So instead of continuing to run after an idea of what you need, be thankful for what you have.

We all have different types of friends, partners or even family members. We have friends we only ever really go out with, but every party with them is an amazing time. We have friends we see everyday and who we are completely comfortable with, people you can sit next to quietly for hours and who make watching the news as fun as going to a concert. We have friends we rarely ever see, but when we do it is like no time has passed at all. Friendships and relationships are beautiful and diverse and ever-changing - or they should be. However sometimes relationships and friendships grow apart, feel draining or emotionally abusive or like a chore. And while we have learned how to deal with romantic relationships in these situations (talk about it, work through it or end it) in friendships and especially in familiar relations this is not always an option. So how can we deal with toxic friendships or family members?



I first and foremost want to point out the difference between one of your friends or partners feeling down and them behaving in a toxic way. I feel like there is an increasing trend, especially online to mark every person, who is not positive every second of every day as toxic. This fake positivity is extremely pressuring and can make you feel very guilty about not being a ray of sunshine every day or even discredit absolutely valid feelings of loneliness, unhappiness, anger or even anxiety and depression. There is no way you or people around you can be happy every single day. It is okay and reasonable for your friend, partner or family member to have periods in which they feel terrible and these periods can last weeks and sometimes even months. What is ultimately deciding in understanding if someone or their behaviour is toxic, is how they deal with this natural negativity in life. Are they legitimately upset and sad? Or are they using feelings of unhappiness to make you feel bad about yourself? Constantly criticise or gaslight you? Make you feel small, unwanted, unworthy or unloved?
While it may be hard to have a friend or partner, who suffers from mental illness or who is just generally not as immediately positive as you may be, that is human. It is only when they somehow try to manipulate you or consistently make you feel bad about yourself as well, that you may want to reevaluate the relationship. I think it is part of every relationship to also go through hard periods and be there for one another and I know I would not want my friends to run away the instance I am not completely happy go lucky. This table explains the differences in a very good way in my opinion and helps to reevaluate your ways of thinking. So before you label someone as toxic reevaluate if they may actually be suffering themselves. As long as they are not actively hurting you, they are not doing anything wrong.